I'll Have Two Meatballs, Please

Last Thursday was the 13th anniversary of my mom's death, Wednesday was her birthday, and today is my Nonni's birthday, which means I have made more visits to the cemetery in 8 days than any one person should ever have to. BUT, in honor of my mother's birthday, I decided to share with you this grainy picture of the two of us, taken when I was about a year old. How. Cute. Am. I?

And in honor of Nonni's birthday, I will share the all important Rules of Eating, that, thankfully, have nothing to do with common sense. These rules must be expressly followed in order to have an enjoyable experience eating with our family. Before I took Italian in college, and despite the fact that Nonni spoke broken English, I knew two phrases in Italian. Both were varying iterations of Rule #1. Quando Si Mangia, Non Si Parla (When one eats, one does not speak) and Mangia e Sta Zitta (Eat and shut up). However, this rule was never followed as my family likes to talk. A lot.

Rule #2 is Pace Yourself. In most American households, lasagna is considered a full meal. Not in ours, especially not on holidays. On Christmas and Easter, that bowl sitting atop your plate is not for salad. It's for the first course: lasagna and meatballs. Whenever someone new comes to Christmas or Easter, this is the first rule we tell them. Lasagna and meatballs is just the first course. There is MUCH more to come. At this point, I'm sure you're envisioning large Italian-American guidos with gold chains and their top shirt buttons undone and guidettes with large hair and way too much makeup. Let me correct that assumption. Apart from the food, we're your typical Americans. And fairly thin (those Mediterranean genes do wonders for the figure).

Rule #3 is Drink Water and is in regards to Nonni's Cheese Bread. When you think of cheese bread, I'm sure you think of soft, sweet, pastry-like cheese bread typically found in bakeries. Again, allow me to correct your assumption. Nonni's Cheese Bread is made with parmesan cheese. I know what you're thinking: Parmesan?? You mean that dry, aged cheese that goes on pasta? Why yes, yes I do. Nonni's Cheese Bread is, much like fine wine and certain liquors, an acquired taste. I love it, but I also believe everything is made better by adding parmesan cheese. (I was teased incessantly in college for putting parmesan on my rice). Like my aunt's Butter in the Shape of a Lamb, complete with sprinkles for eyes and shaved coconut dyed green to resemble grass, Nonni's Cheese Bread has become a staple at Easter dinner. This bread is incredibly dry and tastes exactly how one would expect bread made with parmesan to taste. Whenever I or my sister or cousins bring a friend or boyfriend or girlfriend to dinner for the first time, we love offering them a slice, and then stifling giggles as they take a bite, and look around panic-stricken, either for a glass of water, or for some clue as to how they're supposed to react. To all future diners at our house, the cheese bread is dry, but somehow fabulous at the same time. Just give it some time, and a few glasses of water.

The 4th and final rule is this: You Only Get Two Meatballs. It doesn't matter how many you request, and you will be asked how many you want, you get two. One Christmas dinner a few years ago, Nonni was serving the meatballs and asked my sister how many she wanted. "One, please." "You get two. You need to eat more." She then asked my cousin how many he wanted. "I'll have three." "You get two. You can have more later." Then it was my turn. Eager to learn more about this new rule (was it really You Only Get Two Meatballs or was it Nonni Is Feeling Difficult Today And Will Give You Anything But What You Ask For - both of which were equally probable), I asked for two meatballs. It turns out, it was the former. So now, whoever serves the meatballs plays Nonni's part and we play along, each asking for a different number of meatballs and no matter how many we ask for (none, 16, 25), we each get two.