Rules for Trick-or-Treating

We live on Main Street in Small Town, USA, where parades, Civil War reenactments, and knowing your neighbors are the norm. Here, Halloween is an experience. At 6pm, every Halloween, Main Street is closed, fire engines, police cars, and the high school marching band slowly make it down the street, followed by hundreds and hundreds of trick-or-treaters. I've lived on Main Street for 5 years. The first 3 years were spent living in a tiny apartment above a shop. Our apartment number was something straight of a Harry Potter novel: 18-1/2. Since people who knew where we lived could barely find our apartment, it should not have come as a surprise that we got zero trick-or-treaters. Zero. The first year, we bought tons of candy, excited to see the kids dressed up. That candy sat in our living room, not one single piece having been given out to trick-or-treaters. I'd like to say that candy lasted us until Christmas, but that would be a lie. It lasted maybe three days. The last Halloween I spent in that apartment, I stood outside with a bowl of candy, determined to participate, dressed like a creepy twenty-something girl eager to give out candy to little kids. Oh. Wait.

When Kurt and I moved in together, in an apartment across the street, I had no idea what we were getting into. Halloween came, we bought candy. A lot of candy. It lasted 45 minutes. I ran out to CVS to buy more and rushed home. (I'm pretty sure they marked up the Halloween candy at the last minute since those few bags of candy cost me what seemed like an arm and a leg) It lasted another 45 minutes.

This year, we were more prepared. We went to BJ's and picked up four huge bags of candy. We sat on the porch with our neighbor handing out candy to the kids. After tonight's experience, I have come up with four rules for trick-or-treaters. That's right, kids. Your night of fun now comes with a side of rules. As an aside, I'm really not as grumpy as this will make me sound. It just really bothers me that some kids (and parents) think they are entitled to EVERYTHING FOR FREE and feel no need to even say thank you. So here goes:

1) If you don't dress up, you shouldn't get candy. Put cat ears on, paint whiskers on your face, anything! (more to the point, if you are a parent, you do not get candy. you can buy your own, you don't need the free stuff from strangers. leave some for the kids, huh?)

2) Say "trick-or-treat." Really, how hard is it? They're three measly words and you get FREE CANDY. No "trick-or-treat," no candy.

3) Take ONE piece of candy. There are hundreds of kids behind you and I'm not made of money. (I couldn't believe the number of kids who grabbed handfuls and ran - because they KNEW THEY WERE WRONG.)

4) If you've come to my house once, I remember you. No double dipping. (PARENTS, this one is for you as well. It's time to teach your kids honesty and integrity. Saying "Ooo look guys, candy!" doesn't fool me for a second. I remember you from the first time you came around and encouraged your kids to take handfuls of my candy.)

There. Four simple rules that really shouldn't even need to be enforced. I honestly don't think that's too much to ask. Is it? Am I a grump?

Truthfully, most of the kids said thank you and "trick-or-treat" and at least put on a Phillies jersey as a costume. Some teenagers even went all out (one kid was Max from Where the Wild Things Are). The parents stood behind the little ones, nervous, waiting to correct them; "say trick-or-treat!" "say thank you!" I love these kids and these parents. I appreciate their manners and enthusiasm. A little effort and kindness really go a long way.

And yes, I gave candy to the ones who didn't dress up, who didn't say "trick-or-treat", who took a handful of candy, and who came twice (a couple kids DID ALL FOUR of these things). I'm all talk. I "jokingly" scolded the kids whose parents encouraged them to come back for seconds, but that was really more for the parents to hear than the children. The truth is, I love Halloween, I love the costumes, I love handing out candy, and I love making just one child's night, even if a thousand didn't appreciate it. My only regret from tonight? Not getting the chance to watch the movie I watched every Halloween as a child: Hocus Pocus. I guess there's always next year (when I'm printing these four rules on a piece of cardboard and posting it on my porch). Kids, next year, at the Bernhard's, you get a piece of candy AND a lesson in manners. Bring your parents!